House Cup

Open on Hogwarts Great Hall. End of year ceremonies. BRANDON GOLDTHWAIT, a first year Ravenclaw, is excited. AMELIA PINDLESTAFF, a 5th year Ravenclaw, is not.

BRANDON
All right, we did it! Ravenclaws are number one! Woo!

AMELIA
No we didn't. We didn't do anything.

BRANDON
What do you mean, Amelia? We won the House Cup and it's not even close! See? We're 200 points ahead of the runner-up!

AMELIA
It doesn't matter. I hate to break it to you, first-year, but we won't win.

BRANDON
What do you mean? Did someone get in trouble? I hope not, I worked like a House-Elf off for those points.

AMELIA
No, it's nothing to do with us. It's them. [gestures to Gryffindor bench.] Gryffindor always wins.

BRANDON
Gryffindor? But they're in last. And I believe some of their students ran afoul of the administration - broke quite a few rules.

AMELIA
Just shut up and watch.

DUMBLEDORE takes the podium.

DUMBLEDORE
Ah, my dear weezlewumps and gullyfrogs, alas, alas, the end of the year has come and so it is time to distribute the prized House Cup. If you will direct your eyeballs to the standings, you will see: Ravenclaw: 1216, Slytherin: 983, Hufflepuff: 881, and Gryffindor: 540. Congratulations, Ravenclaw.

Listless cheer from the Ravenclaw bench, with the exception of BRANDON, who cheers loudly.

DUMBLEDORE
And yet, magic is full of tricks and caprices, and things like mathematics can not be considered as they are in the Muggle world. Therefore, we have a few last-minute points to award.

BRANDON
What? Last-minute points?

AMELIA
Here we go...

DUMBLEDORE
First, to Miss Hermione Granger, who proved that in a pinch, an intellect is an able substitute for a wand - we award 100 points.

Gryffindor bench cheers. Other benches grumble.

BRANDON
Oh well, Hermione is very smart. But I though her wand was confiscated after she threw it at a professor; that shouldn't count.

DUMBLEDORE
Next, to Ronald Weasley, who, in the end, let his virtue win out over his jealousy, and his fortitude triumph over his insecurity, we award 120 points.

Gryffindor bench cheers again. Other benches begin to mutter protests.

BRANDON
That's an awfully vague reason to give out 120 points! I revamped the castle drainage system and only got 50.

AMELIA
I told you, this thing is a farce. Boo, Dumbledore! Boo!

DUMBLEDORE [overriding]
Magic can sometimes cloud the difference between what is right, and what is good. And to delineate between a friend, and an acquaintance. To Mr. Neville Longbottom, for divining said differences, we award 150 points.

Gryffindor bench cheers even louder, as other benches begin chanting "You suck!" "Re-count!" etc.

AMELIA
We're just pawns in his sick game. Get it over with, you hack!

BRANDON
Well, surely that's all the points he can give out without seeming completely biased.

DUMBLEDORE
A frown is an upside down smile, but it is equally important to remember that a smile is an inside out frown. For that we award Colin Creevey 75 points.

BRANDON
THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

DUMBLEDORE
Laughter may not always be the best medicine, but then again...50 points to the Weasley twins!

AMELIA
Are you kidding me? They beat up a first year for ruining one of their punchlines.

DUMBLEDORE
Gigglesnorts and rumplestacks may quarrel in the moonlight, but hey-blibber junebugs run the triangle offense. In sum, 80 points to Rubeus Hagrid, and by association, Gryffindor!

Great Hall is in an uproar.

BRANDON
He's just making up words! He's giving points arbitrarily to teachers and making up words! HOW IS THIS JUST?!

DUMBLEDORE
Silence, my guinea pigs. Well, those are all the points that I had to give out; it seems Ravenclaw has won with 1216, while Gryffindor trails with 1215.

DUMBLEDORE winks and smiles at HARRY POTTER, who winks and smiles back. HARRY sneezes.

DUMBLEDORE
Bless you!

HARRY
Thank you!

AMELIA
FUCK YOURSELVES.

DUMBLEDORE
Ahhhhhhh, gratitude. "Thank you" truly is a magical phrase. 2 points to Gryffindor, Gryffindor wins!

Gryffindor bench explodes with cheers. RON gets up on the table and starts doing the "suck it" motion to the Ravenclaw bench. HERMIONE conjures a giant middle finger to wave in the air. Professors all dance and clap for Gryffindor. Gryffindor bench starts singing "na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, hey hey hey, goodbye!"

BRANDON
I'm transferring.

[Blackout.]