Wednesday, May 6, 2015

5 Stages of Building a Fire

1. Denial
OK, a few more pieces of rolled-up newspaper and we should be good to go. No Eagle Scout skills needed here, thanks, David; why don’t you go find us a log to sit on? Mickey has the fire situation on lock. First the tinder (kindling?) catches, then the kindling (tinder? underbrush?) catches, then the… big sticks. Then it’s s’more time! Hey Alison, let me cook your marshmallow for you; yeah it gets super chilly out here, come get closer to the fire. MY fire. The match I tossed in the middle is just biding its time. That’s how fires work. The longer it takes for the flames to appear, the bigger they end up. Maybe a breath or two, down real low, that ember touches that leaf, the inexorable chain reaction becomes a wild elemental dance. Why, yes Alison, I do think fire is entrancing! Sorry about the wet log, David’s idea, haha. Here, you can sit on my lap if you want. Just a few more breaths. Just one more match right by the… kindling? Flint? I can feel your eyes watching me, David; maybe use your Eagle Scout skills and whittle yourself a clue: I got this.

2. Anger
Why. WHY? Cavemen could do this without matches! No, David, I didn’t use the “cabin method” or the “teepee method,” what is this, feng shui? I used the “this stuff is flammable let’s light it on fire” method. Why aren’t you burning? People light stuff on fire by accident all the time; why is it so much harder to do it on purpose? Smoke? HOW CAN THERE BE SMOKE AND NO FIRE. That’s like, the conservation of matter, isn’t it? It’s the rules of who goes first in checkers. Yes, David, there’s plenty of kindling. It’s right by the… nexus. C’mon, little sticks. Catch. Catch! Haha, yeah, no worries Alison, just a few more seconds. Catch!

3. Bargaining
Please. I’ll do anything. Just please start burning. Do you want my shirt? I’ll flap my shirt until my arms fall off. I’ll kill Smokey the Bear, he’s your enemy, right? I promise I’ll never take fire for granted if you just light up. I’ll offer David the dry log. Do… do you want gasoline? Tie me to a mountain and let an eagle eat my liver every day, just please let me make s’mores with Alison and let David get poison ivy in the middle of his back.

4. Depression
Nothing matters. No, I will not put my shirt back on, David, I am sweaty from blowing on unresponsive sticks. Apparently that can happen. No, Alison, I wouldn’t like any bug spray. The mosquitos deserve my blood more than I do. I’m going to go find a s’more stick. I hope I get eaten by a bear. At least there’s fire in hell.

5. Acceptance
Good job, David. Yes, please pass the marshmallows. No, I don’t mind this wet log. You two look comfy over there. We all have our roles to play. David can be the fire guy. I’m more of an ideas man. In fact, I think I may go to sleep soon. We better get up early if I’m gonna show you guys how to catch a fish.

No comments:

Post a Comment