Dick Tattoo

JACK, a 20-something office drone, is working at his desk with his headphones in.

JACK [singing]
Wake me up inside, wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark.

ETHAN, a similarly aged office drone, runs in.

ETHAN
Psst. Jack. Jack!

He grabs JACK’s shoulders; JACK jumps.

JACK
Whoa, hey, man, you scared me! [he pats his shoulder and realizes they are dry]. Did you wash your hands?

ETHAN
Doesn't matter dude, listen! I was at the urinal when Mr. Frankle came in, and I saw his dick.

JACK
What? Why?

ETHAN
Shut up! He has a CARLY RAE JEPSEN tattoo on his dick.

JACK
A what?

ETHAN
You know, Carly Rae Jepsen? Call Me Maybe?

JACK shrugs.

ETHAN [sings reluctantly]
Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number-

JACK
Oh, right right. Wait, dude, that's ridiculous. He's 60, no way he has any sort of dick tattoo. It was probably a liver spot.

ETHAN
I know what I saw! She had bangs - liver spots don't have bangs!

JACK
OK, fine, suppose our boss, Mr. Frankle, has a Carly Rae Jepsen dick tattoo. Who cares? It's not a big deal.

ETHAN
Because I HAVE THE EXACT SAME TATTOO, Jack. That's how I recognized it.

JACK
WHAT?!

AMANDA enters.

AMANDA
Hey, would you guys keep it down?

JACK
Wait a second, Amanda. Ethan, what are you saying?

ETHAN
Mr. Frankle and I have the exact same dick tattoo.

AMANDA
The Carly Rae Jepsen tattoo?

JACK
How do you know about it?!

AMANDA & ETHAN
Christmas party.

ETHAN
Look, none of that matters. I'm scared about what this means, guys. Is Mr. Frankle my long-lost father?

JACK
You KNOW who your father is.

ETHAN
Maybe we're meant to be best friends. Maybe we're part of a secret society.

AMANDA
I hope not - he smells like a WetNap.

ETHAN
Look, regardless, I gotta confront him.

JACK
No, you don't! Your basing this off one errant glance in a bathroom - he doesn't have a Carly Rae Jepsen dick tattoo!

AMANDA
Let him be Jack. I think it's fate.

ETHAN
Thanks, Amanda.

MR. FRANKLE enters.

ETHAN
Mr. Frankle, I have to talk to you about something.

JACK
Don't do this man...

ETHAN
I believe we have the same Carly Rae Jepsen dick tattoo. I saw yours at the urinal and I have the same one. I don't know what this means but I figured you'd understand. We're kindred spirits, Mr. Frankle.

Beat.

FRANKLE
Are you crazy?!

ETHAN
Sir?

FRANKLE

That's preposterous! I don't even know who that is!

ETHAN
You know, [singing nervously] Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy-

FRANKLE
You’re fired, you pervert! Get out of my office!

ETHAN
But sir, the tattoo…

FRANKLE
I have never had a Carly Rae Jepsen tattoo on my penis, you freak! Just be glad I’m not pressing charges for ogling my privates!

ETHAN leaves. The others are silent.

FRANKLE
What kind of sicko would mistake Megan Fox for Carly Rae Jepsen? [looking down, pats his crotch.] There, there, Megan.

[BLACKOUT]