Friday, August 7, 2015

I'd Like To Bring You My Side Of The Story

Thank you all for coming. I understand there are a lot of rumors and outlying questions about the video that surfaced last night. We live in a time of questionable journalistic procedures, where it is more important to be "first" than to be "right." Yes, I am the man who slips and falls on dog doo in the parking lot, and yes, that mishap was caught on CCTV. But the footage, taken at face value, presents a skewed version of events, and I intend to address the misconceptions it creates. It is my hope that a holistic view of this incident will chasten the commentariat for their premature assessments.

1. The footage appears to show me slipping in the dog doo and lying helplessly for several minutes. It has, however, been heavily edited. In fact, I made numerous attempts to get back up, and was thwarted each time by the same pile of dog doo.

2. There is a theory circulating that my encounter with the dog doo results in my pants falling down. This is incorrect, and confuses cause and effect. In reality, my pants had descended to my ankles several seconds beforehand, and my efforts to correct this diminished my capacity to both see and avoid the dog doo. I take full responsibility for my clothing blunder: I had undone my belt in anticipation of the ice cream cone I was holding and intended to eat. This segues neatly into my next point.

3. To those speculating, allow me to confirm: yes, I was carrying a quadruple-scoop Rocky Road ice cream cone in my right hand, and 18 individually wrapped rolls of toilet paper in my left arm. It is no secret that the mall I exited contains both a Baskin Robbins and a CVS, nor that I believe in rewarding myself upon successful completion of an errand. Some may ask why I eschewed the single 18-pack in favor of 18 separate rolls. The answer to that is simple as well: I do not believe in the "unit price."

4. Ordinarily I would not entertain curiosity about my underwear. However, as it was exposed on camera, I am loath to let the unfounded assertions continue to mount. The text on that pair of novelty boxers DOES NOT READ: "Tennis Players Have More Balls", "Mount Dookie and the Yellow River", "Tell Your Girlfriend Hello From Me and Also From My Penis", or "I [heart] Peter Frampton." The boxers simply say "Danger!! Fart Factory Meltdown Imminent."

5. To the jokesters and talk show hosts who have delighted in the so-called "irony" of me carrying toilet paper in an event dealing largely with feces - that's not what irony is. Additionally, dogs do not use toilet paper, so I fail to see any humorous connection.

6. While the footage is silent, many viewers hypothesized that I began crying. In actuality I was weeping about something entirely unrelated, such as orphans.

7. Finally, I would like to dispel the rumor that, directly following my dog doo accident, I staggered back into the Baskin Robbins to order a second quadruple-scoop cone of Rocky Road. This is patently false: I ordered cookie dough, as my earlier purchase had exhausted the branch's supply of Rocky Road.

I trust that my explanations have assuaged the doubts of the general public. I have been tested by this ordeal, and emerged stronger. I will carry forward, more cognizant, but not more fearful of piles of dog doo. And contrary to the pundits' belief, I am confident this error will not affect my chances of re-election in the slightest. Thank you, and God bless you.