Friday, July 8, 2016

Rocket Man



(OPEN ON:  sounds of chaos and destruction. JOR-EL kneels by a small spaceship, cradling a swaddled baby. the chaos fades)

JOR-EL
Alas, alas! Krypton crumbles and our very race lies forsaken. There is nothing we can do. But you, my son, my beautiful Kal-El - you, I can spare this devastation. Though parting from you is to rip my own heart out, I must commend your body to the whims of fate.

(JOR-EL places the baby into the spaceship and stands.)

JOR-EL
Fly safe, my beloved son. I steer you on a course to Earth, full of simple, kind, creatures. In time, they may revere you as a God.

(Spaceship ignition sounds)

JOR-EL
Goodbye, Kal-El. May you become a super man, wherever you land.

(JOR-EL exits. it's revealed that TI-NA and ER-ICK have been watching this soliloquy. ti-na is also cradling a baby. there is a long silence.)
TI-NA
Well, I guess *Jor-el* gets to send his son to safety.

ER-ICK
Really? Are we gonna do this now?

TI-NA
Remember when we went over to the El's house and Jor-El showed us his emergency spaceship-

ER-ICK
Oh c'mon, Tina.

TI-NA
and I said "honey, maybe we should get an emergency spaceship" and you said "No Tina, that's stupid."

ER-ICK
It was stupid! The only reason you'd need an emergency spaceship is if the entire planet was destroyed.

KRYPTONIAN ALERT SYSTEM (V.O.)
Attention citizens of Krypton. Total planetary destruction will commence in 5 minutes. Please proceed calmly to your preferred gravesite.

(beat.)

ER-ICK
Ok, sure, not buying an emergency spaceship looks bad *in hindsight.*

TI-NA
It looks bad now, Er-ick.

ER-ICK
Well I'm sorry I didn't predict the end of the world. Sorry I'm not Mr. Perfect Handsome Scientist like Jor-El.

TI-NA
This is not you versus Jor-El. This is me wanting to invest in the future, and you not wanting to.

ER-ICK
I do too want to invest in the future!

TI-NA
You spent 20,000 Krypton-dollars on a portable stereo.

ER-ICK
No, I spent 20,000 Krypton-dollars on the BEST portable stereo on the market. The sound on this thing is incredi-

TI-NA
Do you know how much emergency spaceships cost?

ER-ICK
I- that's irrelevant.

TI-NA
They cost 20,000 Krypton dollars.

ER-ICK
Plus, uh, storage costs. And upkeep.

TI-NA
Well, I'm so glad we have a portable stereo now that the world's ending. We can put our son in it and send him to safety. No, wait, that was my thing!

ER-ICK
Look, I'm sorry, OK? I'm sorry. But it's not like shooting our son off into space is the optimal plan.

TI-NA
It's better than letting him get incinerated!

ER-ICK
Yes, fair. I'm just saying, that planet - Earth? - I've read about that place and frankly it kind of sucks. The humans there are racist, and they're cruel, and they love karaoke.

TI-NA
What?! They haven't outlawed that interrogation technique?

ER-ICK
They do it for FUN, Ti-na.

TI-NA
But the average human is a terrible singer! What kind of psycho narcissist would subject other people to that?

ER-ICK
They don't care! They love it! That's where Jor-El's kid is headed. To the land of karaoke. 

TI-NA
Woof.

(beat. TI-NA considers the baby. there's more rumbling.)

ER-ICK
I love you, Ti-na. I'm glad we're together, at least.

TI-NA
I love you too. Karaoke, Jesus. You dodged a bullet, little one.

ER-ICK
Hey, the portable stereo still has half its battery left. Want to listen to an Earth song?

TI-NA
Sure. But only if-

ER-ICK
Of course.

TI-NA and ER-ICK
No singing along!

(SFx:: Billy Joel's "For the Longest Time" plays.)

(fade out.)

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