Monday, March 30, 2015

Drive Time

(OPEN ON:  two grubby djs in a radio station. "Born in the usa" fades out)

GUNTLY
...I tell you, I don't care who the standing President is, that's the only Boss I recognize.

CHAZ
Ouch! [SFX: Trump "You're Fired"] Folks, if you're fishin' for sedition, you're tuned into the right station. On WBAR, this is Guntly and Chaz, helping you survive your drive since 1995! [SFX: Yello - "Oh Yeah"] That's right, 20 years without getting a real job.

GUNTLY
Sounds like most Kardashians [SFX: two car beeps] [SFX: flush]

CHAZ
Ouch! I haven't seen an ass that big since Juan Pablo's stint on the Bachelor.

GUNTLY
Better get you to a church, brother, because you're preaching! [SFX: "Hallelujah!"]

CHAZ
Hey, and speaking of religion, it's time for our daily Hack Yak!

GUNTLY
HAAACK YAAAK

CHAZ
Brought to you by Pillsbury [SFX: "mmmmm"]. Today we're yakking about the Israeli occupation of Palestine. Is it just, or just plain mean? Guntly, whaddaya think?

GUNTLY
Chaz, call me an incompetent chef, cuz I just can't boil this down any simpler: orange is the new black, 1 Direction is the new N'Sync, and Israel is the new South Africa. For my money, it's apartheid. But for the US Government's money [SFX: Ka-ching], it's just the cost of doing business. Talk about tacit approval in the face of atrocity.

CHAZ
The face of atrocity? Are we talking about Israel or Steve Buscemi! [SFX: sad trombone]

GUNTLY
He-yo!

CHAZ
But I couldn't disagree more. Israel's acting in self-preservation against terrorism masssssquerading as legitimate government! [SFX: "Spoooooky"]

GUNTLY
Whoa-ho-ho, you are incorrecto!

CHAZ
Whoop, Spanish alert! [SFX: Mexican Hat Dance]

GUNTLY
Punishing all Palestinians for the actions of Hamas is like taking Megan Fox off the Boner List because of her weird thumbs! [SFX: wolf howl] Indefensible, partner!

CHAZ
To me, the only thing that's indefensible is the 1986 Celtics! [SFX: "Hallelujah!"] You can't deny Meshaal has a vested interest in perpetuating violence in order to fan the flames of insurgency [SFX: The Mask "Smoookin!"] Besides, the very charter of Hamas calls for the eradication of Israel! [SFX: bomb whistle] If it's in the charter, you can't bargain or barter, baby.

GUNTLY
[SFX: snoring] Oh, sorry, did you say something? I was DOZING on your BULL while Israel bulldozes Palestinian homes. They're expanding like Chris Christie's waistline. [SFX: boing!] It's a human rights violation of the highest order.

CHAZ
Highest order? We talkin' Palestine or Willie Nelson at the Wendy's Drive-Thru? [SFX: sitar chord] Folks, it's looking like this debate is turning into a real boxing match so that means it's time to WEIGH IN!

GUNTLY
WEEEIIIIGGHHH INNNNN

CHAZ
Brought to you by Slimfast [SFX: Yello - "Oooh yeahhh"] Looks like our phone lines are lighting up faster than a 16 year-old at Bonnaroo [SFX: teen voice "Oh My God!"] Caller, you're on with Guntly and Chaz.

CALLER
Hey Guntly, Hey Chaz, great takes as usual. In my opinion, Israel shouldn't be punished for being stronger than Palestine. They're being attacked- it's not their responsibility to make it a fair fight.

GUNTLY
Whoa, buddy! [SFX: klaxons] The needle must not be touching the record because we're getting off track! This isn't about the disproportionate force leveled at an already immiserated populace - it's the lack of outcry from the international community.

CHAZ
Outcry? Are we talking The U.N. or Michael Sam getting drafted? [SFX: baby crying]

GUNTLY
Heyo! Sorry caller, but the only reason Israel gets a pass from Uncle Sam [SFX: Star-Spangled Banner] is that it's the only Middle Eastern government that toadies to American interests! [SFX: frog ribbit] [SFX: ka-ching] [SFX: two car beeps]

CHAZ
I won't deny that the U.S loves Israel like my wife loves Channing Tatum [SFX: wolf-whistle] but I think there's room to support a Jewish state and condemn the extremism [SFX: guitar lick] committed in its name. Israel isn't going anywhere.

GUNTLY
And just like all our Hack Yaks, this whole mess can be laid at the foot of Western colonialist meddling. Blindly gerrymandering territories without regard for the established political landscape is a fools' errand with dangerous consequences [SFX: "D'oh!"]

CHAZ
You said it, Guntly. We're truly living with the ghosts of an imperialist past. [SFX: ghost wail]

GUNTLY
And speaking of, here's Ohia with "I've Been Riding with the Ghost". When we come back, is ISIS the inevitable result of US occupation or just capitalizing on the power vacuum left by our departure? [SFX: vacuum] Also, we add two celebrities to the Boner List!

(MUSIC: Ohia, "I've Been Riding with the Ghost")

(OUT)