Sunday, October 11, 2015

Water Conservation Tips Issued Directly To Me

Los Angeles Department of Water and Power
Consumer Outreach Division
3020 Murtaugh Street
Los Angeles, CA 90912

Dear citizen,

As the drought continues, water conservation becomes more and more important. It is only through the diligence and forbearance of people such as yourself that we may persevere. Therefore, with the aid of rigorous government surveillance, we have provided a list of easy water-saving tips tailored specifically to your daily behavior. We hope you find them instructive.


The L.A.D.W.P.

1. When attempting to remove a hair from the shower wall, consider using a piece of toilet paper, rather than 28 errant handfuls of water.

2. Drinking from a wide-mouth water bottle? Avoid cocking your head back confidently and losing most of the water down your shirt.

3. Washing your hands for longer than 45 seconds provides no additional hygienic benefit, no matter how gross that squishy banana felt.

4. While showering, time equals water! Consider eliminating one or two of the less popular tracks rather than rapping the entirety of the Beastie Boys' seminal 1986 album, License to Ill.

5. Though hiding in the handicap stall may provide more privacy and solitude during social outings, using the urinal is more environmentally friendly.

6. Do not use the kitchen faucet as a percussive backbeat to your rendition of "Hot in Here."

7. Try to remember when you've put a pot on to boil rather than playing iPhone games in the other room for 40 minutes, as this wastes a lot of water through evaporation (this tip also found in your individualized Household Safety Reminders).

8. It saves both time and water to retrieve a stray pinto bean from the sink by hand, and not by chasing it  with the spray nozzle for 4 minutes.

9. Refrain from running the faucet over your freshly-clipped fingernails: while the water saved is minimal, we simply consider this to be an extremely creepy habit.

10. Lastly, while coming up with ideas for humor pieces, remember that you can save some brainstorming for after the shower.

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