Wednesday, May 6, 2015

An Open Letter to Young Me

Dear Young Mickey,

Hi, it’s you, which is to say me, but older. Wait, don’t call the cops yet. I have to drop some knowledge on you. We say “drop some knowledge” nowadays and when someone says it it’s insanely cool.

The year that I’m living in is kind of fucked up (yeah, we curse now, and it rules); I won’t go into specifics for time-paradox reasons, but suffice it to say that it’s common practice to write navel-gazing introspective thought-pieces for free. Since I assume you won’t go find a dictionary, navel-gazing means to like uhh think too much about yourself. And thought pieces are just bad essays. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. A lot of celebrities get asked to give advice to their younger selves, which, like, why, right? Why would they change their timelines? They’re celebrities. So I’m gonna do the same for you, by which I mean me. Get ready for some truth nuggets (that’s another ridiculously cool phrase that cool people say).

First: take some risks. I don’t mean drugs. I mean like pull your freaking calf socks down. Bees are not going to sting your legs. And if they do it’s not a big deal, dude. Bees are not that scary. They’re a fraction of your size. You can’t wear sweatpants all summer. Risks you should take include not leaving the room when Scar comes onscreen in the Lion King and eating pierogies the first time mom makes them.

Second: Keep playing the piano. It sucks now because your teachers are old-ass Russians that hate fun, but if you stick it out it is the bomb; that’s uhh that’s not slang people use today I’m just trying to relate. Anyway in grown-up world piano players are cool and Magic: The Gathering is a bad punchline.

Third: call people up. Literally everyone is miserable for a chunk of middle school and sometimes high school. The popular kids are just you projecting your insecurities onto other dweebs. If you call up your friends and say “do you want to go to a movie” they will say yes. Except once, in 10th grade, when you invite people to see Alien Versus Predator at Towson Commons. No one will show up then. Go anyway: I want to use that movie in bar trivia. But yeah don’t spend your Friday nights reading dead baby jokes on the internet. Those are extremely bad.

Fourth: write down the passwords to our LiveJournal and Myspace and also don’t make either of those things.

Fifth: Keep your ego in check. This isn’t a huge thing for us but I can imagine you reading this and getting smug because alternate-timeline you, which is to say alternate-timeline me, is like way ahead of his time maturity-wise. Wow dude you think you’re better than me because you’re able to use my hindsight to better your (my) life? Fuck you dude. I will fucking end you. I won’t actually, for time-paradox reasons, but guess what smart guy? Some of my earlier advice was actually bad. Or was it? Ahahaha there’s no way for you to know. What are you gonna do about it chump? By the time you’re my age I’ll be way older and I’ll probably know jiu jitsu.

Sixth: don’t learn jiu jitsu in order to defeat me (you) when our alternate timelines finally sync up. Or actually go for it, anything you learn I’ll know too. Or maybe not. Look, this is getting exhausting.

All right you (me), I hope this stuff helps guide you a little better through your maturation. I’d write more but there’s a big yellow-jacket on my window and I can’t tell if it’s inside or not. I gotta go.

Catch you on the flipside (that’s a Simpsons reference: last advice is stop watching the simpsons after season 12),

Old Mickey

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