Monday, November 25, 2013

Glossary of Dramatic Wall-Breaking

Breaking the 4th Wall: character addresses audience

...the 5th Wall: character addresses playwright

6th Wall: playwright addresses audience

7th Wall: character addresses actor portraying character

8th-11th Walls: same as above, but for play-within-a-play

12th Wall: usher addresses audience member

34th Wail: Usher addresses rowdy audience member

i'th Wall: character's imaginary friend addresses audience

Berlin Wall: playwright addresses European political strife

69th Wall: character's genitals address audience

Glass Wall: character addresses gender inequality

Facebook Wall: online brand addresses creator

Basement Wall: playwright passive-aggressively addresses mother's suggestion he find real job

Pay Wall: character addresses audience without audience paying subscription fee

44th Wall: blogger addresses audience. Hey guys.

Friday, November 15, 2013

The Chair

I had done the research,
The test results were sound.
Who on earth could blame me
For exploiting what I found?

Chairs have been a stagnant good
for eons left unchanged
I sought only to innovate,
yet they call me deranged.

Before you judge me harshly
follow my train of thought
And you will see the reason
in the monster that I wrought.

A chair with 1 leg? Useless!
it topples straight away
A chair with 2 legs less so
but still far from OK.

3 legs? Now we're talking,
the wobble's nearly gone.
And 4 legs is the model
the chair economy's built upon.

The number of legs and satisfaction
was a clear cut correlation
so I followed simple logic,
in assembling my creation.

For many hours I toiled
measuring, sawing, nailing.
Til it was finally ready
for its grand unveiling.

The townsfolk gathered round
excited yet uncertain.
"I give to you, The Chair, Part 2"
I yelled and pulled aside the curtain.

The chair had 80 legs of oak
pointing in all directions
of varied lengths and angles
and points of intersection.

The people screamed and vomited
some cried and tore their hair
They could not stand the sight
of my 80-legged chair

The constable was called
I was hauled before the court
And sentenced to life in prison
with no chance to retort

I write this using hindsight
I see the error in what I've done
An 80 leg chair is stupid
I shoulda gave it 81.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Fear Not, Citizenry!

Townspeople of Northwynd, hear me! Cease cowering in your huts and heed the good tidings I bear! You may breathe easy, knowing I have rid you of the menace that terrorized you for so many generations. I return to you a champion. No longer shall you live in fear of the Dragon of Mount Erad for, after a harrowing adventure, I am proud to decree I have destroyed the beast emotionally!

Rejoice, commonfolk! The beast you once feared is now much too distraught and enraged to take wreak further havoc on your lives. Though healthy it remains, I assure you I have completely broken the monster's spirit. My harsh words and churlish attitude have cowed the demon lizard from its life of destruction. Your days of constant peril are at an end, for no living creature would dare seek retribution from the humiliation I have laid upon it.

The quest was not easy, though for a true warrior such as I, the difficulty served only to embolden my taunting. From the mouth of its cave, I hurled insult after insult, daring the abomination to leave the comfort of its den and try to feast on the proud citizens of Northwynd. I left no subject untouched, demeaning everything from its rusty scales to its underwhelming mound of skeletons. Even as the wyrm roared in anger and devoured the guides you provided me, I stood firm, loudly proclaiming the supremacy of Northwynd. It shall not soon forget which township sent forth this volley of invective!

Huzzah, gentlemen and gentleladies! I did not rely solely on my arsenal of quips to demoralize the beast. I pelted it mercilessly with handfuls of gravel, making it convulse in fiery sneezes - that reminds me, this pouch contains what I could scoop up of Alonso's remains. When the gravel began to hurt my hand, I switched to throwing the provisions you granted me. I told the beast there was plenty more where that came from, and exactly where the crop fields are in case it thought I was bluffing. 

And what would an adventure be without treasure? I stole a bag of the fiend's finest gold as a symbol of Northwynd's triumph and to further disgrace the behemoth. Regrettably, the bag tore as I made my return to your village (spewing injurious remarks over my shoulder the whole ride), but the coins remain in an easily traceable path between your homes and the beast’s. Dragons are jealous, petty creatures, but undoubtedly it will recognize the irony in having its own lair plundered and be overcome with shame.

Let us relish the psychological defeat of this terror! And lest you still remain hesitant, I offer the ultimate trophy: one of the dragon's whelps, freshly hatched from its egg! Its squeaking roars of pain and confusion will frighten its mother into submission, much as a bear will make no move once you have obtained its cub. I have strapped the creature to the top of your hospital as a warning.

Moreover, I have spared no effort to protect the township from further damage. To remind the dragon of our I have painted mocking, concentric circles on your largest buildings, the orphanage and grain silo. They are a symbol of Northwynd's unity and defiance. I have also taken the liberty of stockpiling bales of hay and dry twigs around your firework repository, to act as makeshift benches for a celebration of the monster’s defeat. Folk may sit outside in comfort and gaze at the sky, which nevermore shall be darkened by cowardly wings. The fire department’s water supply has similarly been diverted to power a new fountain in the town square, depicting a child urinating on a small, unhappy looking dragon. Worry not, we will make sure the fountain is in full view of the beast’s cave.

And with your nightmare over, I must take my leave. There is no need to thank me, citizens. I consider it my duty to solve monumental problems such as these. I shall always remember your town, however, and the kindness it afforded me. From now on, you shall be my rallying cry. Whether I am berating a coven of witches into submission or verbally lashing a hill giant, I shall yell your name as each spiteful comment flies from my mouth: “I do this for Northwynd! The township of Northwynd! They spit on you through me!”