Friday, March 1, 2013

Spat in the Hat


MRS. SEUSS
You have to unclog our shower drain, Ted.

DR. SEUSS
That doesn’t explain why you’re looking so red.

MRS.
I thought that I asked you to clean up your hair.

DR.
I did, so I don’t think that you’re being fair.

MRS.
Well, the clog was there, despite what you claim.

DR.
Whatever you say, but I’m not to blame.

MRS.
Then keep the cat out of the bathroom, OK?

DR.
But Mittens gets surly if things don’t go his way!
[to cat] That’s right, my mittens, my cute little tyke
Tonight we’re having that wet food you like!

MRS.
Enough, Ted, goddamnit!  Enough with the cat!

DR.
Not a word against Mittens, I won’t stand for that!
You knew from the start we’re a package deal.
I’m sorry you’re angry, but that’s how I feel.

MRS.
Oh God, Ted, please not now, I do not have the time!

DR.
Winny, you know I can’t choose when I rhyme!

MRS.
Yeah, but you get such a sick satisfaction.

DR.
Can you blame me? Without it, I’d NEVER get action.

MRS.
Oh Christ, Ted, you're hopeless, I'm going to scream!

DR.
It’s not my fault you’re colder than ice cubes on ice cream!

MRS.
Just stop it Ted! Just stop it! Just quit!

DR.
I can’t!  Not when you ENABLE this shit!
I know that you tell me it gets on your nerves.
Mittens, tell Winny it’s what she deserves!
It’s mostly your fault all the stuff you’ve been hearing,
But I like to rhyme, true! Some say it’s endearing!
And I’m not gonna stop, and you cannot make me!
My lyrical prowess will never forsake me!

MRS.
You think I can’t stop you?  Is that what you say?

DR.
Nope. Never. Not once. There’s just not a way.

MRS.
Hey Ted, your insecurity's showing.

DR.
That's amateur, sweetie, you'll have to keep going

MRS.
You’re a junkie, a crackhead, your words are your fix!

DR.
Your insults can't hurt me; they're not stones or sticks.

MRS.
Fine! Fuck you!  You make me turn PURPLE!

Shocked silence.

DR.
I make my own words up, you FLIP-SNORTING YURPLE!!
I cannot believe that you’d try to stump me!
It’s bad enough you won’t ever hump me!
I’ll rhyme and I'll rhyme til my voice gets too hoarse!
In ten years of marriage you brought only remorse!
You never once made me my green eggs and ham,
You kicked out the Lorax! He’s part of my fam!
I hate your two sisters (Thing 1 and Thing 2)
You make ME turn purple, like Red fish plus blue!
Here’s something else, you two-timing Grinch:
I know 'bout the pool boy, whose ass you would pinch!
Oh the places you WENT with that pasty faced teen!
And Horton told me you fucked Shel Silverstein!
You act like a Sneetch whose gut has a star -
That’s just a liposuction scar!
We only got married cuz my name is Ted
And yours just happened to be Winifred.
You’re an unyielding source
Of unpleasant force
Which I just can’t endorse
It’s obvious, of course
I WANT A DIVORCE!

[beat]
And I'm taking the cat!